003. Post cry clarity
at it's finest and most potent dose.
Post cry clarity hits like a bitch, and honestly I’m writing this approximately 2 hours after I cried about being stuck in life for what feels like the thousandth time in 3 months.
Journaling prior to this is what inspires me to write this because I journaled not like any other entry I’ve written. This one was affirming.. reassuring even. Words went smoothly onto three pages and (even though it may have also been brought into fruition with a little weed and a few sips of capricio) it felt like myself was speaking.
Familiarity was something I lacked, I realized. Although I was getting that from others I wasn't getting it from myself, and that's what I hated about going through these motions the most. I haven't felt like myself and even though the fully ideal picture of who I thought that was came from standards that others put on me, (because, duh, I’m a black woman) I miss my essential factors that made me, me. My unwavering positivity, commitment, etc.. the time where on hard days I’ll think “It’ll get better tomorrow.” The times where I do things sporadically to make myself happy. Taking care of business. All of that.
I feel like I’ve had to mold myself into a likeable person due to how alot of people group up ultimately to act like they're the main characters and everyone else are NPCs. As much as I acted like I enjoyed it, a part of me questioned it. We're all in one big story and we're all characters. There's no main character.
Still doing things I literally had no business doing for the sake of a collective and not my own being, and allowing your hardships to swallow you alive isn't healthy and is not a good way to handle it. Sometimes you have to fight back, or at the very least work with it. Especially when the thoughts you have are destroying yourself and your drive. I don’t do or interact with anything that makes me unhappy because you never know what you could be doing that's making you happier, and I remember those days very very well. They’ll come back to me soon.
I’m only 21. My birthday was December 3rd, and this chapter has brought me so much wisdom to revise and improve what I learned from being 20. I love that about life the most—the fact that every day brings something new to learn. I read a quote on an Instagram post (I follow a lot of quote accounts mainly for my daily dose of Franz Kafka) about burying yourself and being reborn multiple times in your life (and if I can find it i’ll add it*) and I feel like that is so accurate to what I’m experiencing. Rebirth. I kept saying rebirth earlier today and it makes me think about tarot. (I’ve been MIA with my deck but the constant reminder of rebirth playing in my head is giving me the energy for a reading.)
I love how far I’ve come as a person and even though I haven't been my best self, she’s on her way. She's close, even.
*I did not find it :(